According to Wikipedia, Déjà Vu or promnesia, is the experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has happened in the recent past), although the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain.  Is that what this is?  Just a bad case of déjà vu?  Because I swear I’ve cleaned this kitchen already.  And I’m certain I lost this 20 pounds already.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve sat in this exact spot, trying to work from home and making no real progress. 

So pardon me while I whine and complain for a few minutes.  Hopefully this will get me out of my Monday morning funk and get me moving again…

I’m tired!  I’m tired of doing the same damn thing over and over again and ending up right where I started. 

My kitchen sink is full of dishes.  My dishwasher is also full of dishes and running.  I know I did them yesterday!  My kitchen floor is dirty.  You know… the one I scrubbed on my hands and knees last weekend despite the fact that I’ve had back pain for a month?  And I can’t get to my children’s beds to kiss them good night in the evenings without threat of getting sucked into the quick-sand of toys and clothes scattered across the room.  Didn’t we just clean?  UGH!  I could go on and on.  I won’t though, because I’m guessing that you’ve been there, done that.  You know exactly what I mean, don’t you?  And yes, I have met the FlyLady.  And YES, I am being too picky!!  (And yes, I did have to go back and put that second “o” in the “too” in that sentence because I have issues like that toO!) 

So, what’s up with this twenty pounds? I’ve lost this same damn 20 pounds over and over and over again.  I should SOOooo know better than to ask.  Because I already know ALL the answers.  Yes, I quit smoking in October.  Yes, I ate too much during the holidays (was that four months ago already?).  Yes, I’ve been working out and yes I know that muscle weighs more than fat.  Yes, it probably has something to do with my level of stress and my prescription medication (which I won’t be able to keep taking now that I don’t have the insurance to pay for it).  Yes, I am getting older and my metabolism is slowing down.  SO WHAT?  Have any of these reasons EVER made that mushroom top look more attractive?  No!  I didn’t think so!  (Did I forget to mention the second serving of chili with cheese and sour cream I had last night?  Or the cocktail I had?  Oh Pleeeease!  That has NOTHING to do with anything!)

And speaking of exercise, why is it that every time I start feeling like I’m making progress, something happens that forces me to stop?  Last year I was starting to train to run a 5K.  I’ve never ever been able to run more than a 1/4 mile without stopping, but I was making progress for the first time ever and ….  Oops!  I was in an accident and hit my head (bad enough to warrant an MRI) which took me off of the exercise agenda for weeks.  That was the end of that.  When I started running again, my shins gave out.  Then when I started again, my back went out.  What the heck?  Is there some cosmic force telling me I shouldn’t exercise for some reason?  Well, guess what?  I’m not listening!  I’m going to get back on that treadmill if it kills me!  (Which it might.)

And now I have next to no income and HAVE to get my website businesses going.  I HAVE to find some creative way to spur business and make this profitable or my children don’t get to eat.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be creative under that kind of pressure?  (Okay… me and the other half of the population these days.  Am I preaching to the choir?  Sorry.)

And… and… and….  How am I doing with this self-pity party so far?  Yeah, I thought so.  But sometimes ya just gotta vent!

Yes, I know that I have complete control over ALL of this.  And I’m going to go clean my dishes and get on my treadmill (where my creative juices will start to flow) and then I’ll get some website work done. 

Because I can!

Because I won’t quit!

See?  I feel better already!

Aro, one of the Volturi leaders in the Twilight series, can hear every single thought a person has ever had upon making physical contact with that person. When I went into my therapy session today, I wished that my therapist had that power. I have so much going on, so many thoughts, but no direction. I couldn’t imagine that I would be able to express all these thoughts in the allotted 50 minutes, never mind get any feedback on them. Mind reading would have been a very beneficial skill today.

As you probably know, my position at work was eliminated a week and a half ago. (i.e. I was fired… and the reason given: “it’s just business”.) Needless to say, after working for a brand new company for 11 months and having been promoted twice in that time frame, being let go was a rather big shock. Yes, I’m sure it’s for the best.

So, obviously we are going to add a large amount of financial stress into this equation since my unemployment benefits will be almost $200 less a week than my paycheck and I will be losing my insurance (for all the good it did me anyway). One of my prescriptions is $220 a month for the GENERIC! I’m waiting for my doctor to give me a solution to that problem.

My back hurts like hell! I threw it out coughing when I had a chest cold a month ago. I’ve gotten a massage, two chiropractic adjustments and done quite a bit of walking and stretching. I was doing well for a couple of weeks, but the recent stress has led to muscle tension which has led me to walking like a 90 year old man again.

I had a fight with my husband last week about an old unresolved issue. He has forgiven me for things that I had gotten myself into during my “mid-life crisis”, but I have been unable to forgive him for what preceded the entire breakdown in our relationship. Obviously, there is alot more work to be done in that area on my part.

And then there is the issue of what-do-I-do-now? Again, I am faced with the question of “What do you want to be when you grow up?” My slate is clean. I have a fresh place to start. What on Earth do I do with it? I think I want to work for myself again. I want to pick up my website consulting and my fitness mentoring where I left it and make it all work this time. But who am I to be successful at that? I know alot and I am organized and resourceful, but I’m certainly no expert!

Believe it or not, I actually managed to get all of these thoughts out and discussed in an hour. We discussed what has happened, how and why to get around my roadblocks, and she gave me an incredible amount of confidence in the process. I wasn’t quite sure if she was my psychotherapist or if she had transformed into a life coach. I believe she has managed to be both. I’ve seen her off and on for at least two years now and we’ve made incredible progress, especially lately. Today was definitely one of the great therapy sessions. There was so much energy in the room that she actually started to “get goosebumps” and cry. Yes, her. Not me. Although I did leave with an entirely different attitude than I walked into that room with.

Look out world! Here I come!

By the way, if you are ever in need of a great therapist in Western NC, her name is Roberta Moore and her practice is Conscious Choices.

Maybe I jinxed myself a couple months ago when I posted Out With The Old. In With The New. Or perhaps it was a prediction of more changes to come. You see, I changed my blog description from “Life Balance for the Work at Home Mom” to just “Life Balance for Moms” because I had been back to working outside the home for almost a year.

This morning I lost my job.

“If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.” ~Author Unknown

What am I going to do now? I don’t know yet, but I believe I have plenty of options. I could take some time off. I could go find another job. I could jump back into my website business with a new gusto! Time will tell.

I think I’ll sit back for a little while and see what my soul tells me to do.

Stay tuned!

“To acquire balance means to achieve that happy medium between the minimum and the maximum that represents your optimum. The minimum is the least you can get by with. The maximum is the most you’re capable of. The optimum is the amount or degree of anything that is most favorable toward the ends you desire.” — Nido Qubein

“Even nectar is poison if taken to excess.”  ~Hindu Proverb

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.”  ~Louisa May Alcott

“Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself.”  ~Michel de Montaigne

“Life is the sum of all your choices.”  ~Albert Camus

“Health is a large word.  It embraces not the body only, but the mind and spirit as well;… and not today’s pain or pleasure alone, but the whole being and outlook of a man.”  ~James H. West

“To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.”  ~Confucius, Analects

“No one can get inner peace by pouncing on it.”  ~Harry Emerson Fosdick